Day-Storms Studio

While reading about random “National Days”, I noticed that February 11th was listed as National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. First, I thought that was something strange to “celebrate”, but then I thought more about what that (perhaps overused) proverb represents.

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk–Huh?

As a parent of two very small children, I know that if I simply throw out a proverb, old wives’ tale, or trite saying, one of the first questions they will ask is, “What do you mean, Daddy?” [I could also see my lactose-intolerant son telling me that he could care less about any spilled milk since he has already learned in his wise age of 3 to avoid milk.] So, how to explain this often used phrase?

You could just follow it up with a trite colloquialism. [One of my personal favorites: “What’s done is done.”] Or you can give them another over-used phrase like, “It is time to move on.” [No matter how well-meaning that is said, that phrase drives me crazy since it belittles your situation…or at least feels like it is belittling.]

Again, how do you explain what it means not to cry over “spilled milk”? Don’t cry over spilled milk means to not worry about something that has already happened. Things happen that are out of our control. We assess and address the situation, of course, like get a paper towel to clean up the milk in our spilled milk analogy. Then we need to look on the proverbial “bright side”. We cannot continue to think about the “milk” that we spilled or the situation that has happened.

Obviously, to my 3-year-old, I do not tell him he needs to “assess and address” the situation. He may have a fairly extensive vocabulary for his age, but I still need to use words he would understand. For me, I like to ask him a question to have him think about it and respond. “Bonecrusher*, if you spilled apple juice, what should you do next?” Be sure to give him time to answer; awkward silence is golden while he mulls over an answer. Then, I would follow up his response with something akin to how we can get something else to drink after we clean it up, and explain that accidents happen.

To paraphrase National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day, if the situation is not changing your entire life, then it is not “spilled milk”. If it is only going to matter for a day or a few days, then it is “spilled milk”.

How Do We Teach Our Kids Not to Cry Over Spilled Milk?

This is the important life lesson. I know it is one that I need to remember to put into practice–not to dwell on what has happened or what is beyond my control. Spider-Man*, in particular, easily becomes anxious and ruminates on situations. How can we cope with the “spilled milk”?

Breathing

First, take a deep, cleansing breath. This is not some mystical process of cleansing the body of impurities. Just remembering to take a deep breath can help calm us down and help us focus on what should be prioritized over the “spilled milk”. Anxiety is associated with short, shallow breathing. Slowing down and breathing from the abdomen can relax you. [On a related note, we have shown the Elmo/Sesame Street video about belly breathing to our kids whenever they are too worked up, and it has helped to calm them.] Studies have even shown that deep breathing can be beneficial in reducing stress and anxiety for adults in high pressure medical professions. If it can work for doctors and nurses, then it can be helpful for everyday “spilled milk”.

Exercise

In our family, we like to exercise to help reduce anxiety over “spilled milk”. Just moving can help release endorphins and lower stress. Sometimes, we talk a walk in the neighborhood or go feed the ducks and swans at one of the nearby lakes. We also have a heavy bag, so there are times we glove up and punch the crap out of the heavy bag. Both boys have their own boxing gloves, and there are times that one (or both) will come up and ask for me to get out their gloves because they need to punch the bag.

At the other end of the exercise spectrum, practicing yoga or deep stretching can help alleviate stress. This can also help with focusing on breathing. Spider-Man, in particular, likes to do yoga stretches. YouTube has many children’s yoga videos. We pull out his yoga mat and either turn on a YouTube kids yoga video or listen to some music to stretch on our own.

Benevolent Detachment

John Eldredge, in his book Get Your Life Back, discusses using benevolent detachment to create soul space, carving out a place for intellectual and emotional space, away from these everyday situations that can bog us down. Take at least a good minute (even just a literal 60 seconds) to clear your mind of the “spilled milk”, breathe, and focus on your mantra (so to speak). I’m a spiritual person, so I personally focus on giving everything over to a higher power; however, you don’t have to do that. You could cognitively detach with the mantra or slogan of your choice.

Teaching our kids to not cry over spilled milk is important because it can help them with their coping strategies and, hopefully, help decrease their anxiety. Also, this problem-solving can help them learn to assess the situation and prioritize accordingly.

Check out our other blogs on Life Lessons.